Hidden Pride

My bestfriend, my lover in disguise. It has been years since I have seen you, I still remember your charming laughter, I remember the touch of your hand, and I remember how much I longed for more. I still do. I hid my feelings from you just fine. If I had confessed my love, I know you would have denied. But maybe, just maybe you would have accepted me. I still wonder about those small chances, where could we have been now, if we made love then. Would we still have been together today?
I miss you, I never kissed you, but I wish I did. I wish you were here with me, as my gay partner. I wish I could show you off to the entire world, as my beloved.
Is it too late to convey my love to you? I still love you, and I always will.


When I was a baby, I looked up to people who birthed me,
I looked up to then with full devotion and trust,
I smiled with no doubt in my mind.
I cried with great passion,
Passion to get attended.
No secrets buried into my heart.
I held hands with my loved ones as if this is all I want for the rest of my life.
Now when I cry, I cry with dry tears,
My smile is deceiving,
With thousands of secrets buried inside.
As I saunter into the path with strangers,
I judge, I judge by their appearance, I judge by their manners,
I judge to hide my secrets,
At one glance I shall know your entire life with my assumptions,
But I shall die and get buried with my secrets today than reveal myself tomorrow.

Desire for Connection

Blood, warm blood running down our veins,
Alive flesh and a beating heart,
Oh how we yearn to touch and be touched by another.
How similar are we, yet so different.
Some are bold and some are scared,
But everyone desires one thing,
To touch and be touched.
May it be stranger or a friend,
We all want to be validated,
Caressed like a wee baby,
Feel their skin, feel how warm their blood runs.
Profoundly we look, into their eyes, to explore their beating heart.
We look at their eyes to see how profoundly they look into our hearts.
Some are bold and some are scared,
But everyone yearns one thing,
To be validated.
To be approved by one we desire, or not.
We may know one’s existence,
But we may die of loneliness if we don’t perceive the existing ones.

A narration of thoughts

It’s midnight, and I am walking down the lonesome streets, It’s dark and cold, making myself shiver. I regret being outdoors till the night dropped on us. I should have kept in mind, being a lady in twenty first century is not an easy way of life, we shall be home before the sun sets, after which the beasts hunt.

I hear footsteps behind me, so I look back to see nobody. Now, I am alarmed and the gut tells, that I need to increase the pace, So I walk faster, and now I hear someone giggle. My breath shortens and I am more thinking of home and comfort. I constantly order myself to look forward in the path, and not distract myself from the absurd sound, as I convince it to be, when suddenly I see a man plunging on me, and all I can hear is my heartbeat, my ears and mouth is shut in horror, and my brain is perplexed to an action, or a reaction.

I can feel his rough, dirty hands grab me, on the side, taking me off the road. As I come back to my senses, I try to scream, to shriek, express my fright aloud, but his firm hand on my mouth, could only allow me to moan in abstinence. He drags and takes me down an umbrageous tree, and throws my body to the ground, when my head hits the bark, My head spins and hurts badly and I think I might die the very moment. Unfortunately, I live. I can hear him gasp, and I hope it’s from fear of getting caught, but deep down inside I know its not fear. The next moment, he bends to his knees and weighs himself on my chest by his hands, this time I again wonder if I’d manage to live through, when those malicious hands tear the clothing and my limbs try to fight, my voice screams in hope of good ears to listen, When he slaps on my face and punches on my stomach to make my voice vanish, my body is cold, feels weak to move, my body is in pain, all I now wish for it to get caressed, and covered.

He continues to hurt me, while he uses me for his needs, but this time my body has become numb, I barely feel his sharp nails as he digs them into my skin, I regret for being a free bird, I regret for being born as a girl and I regret to live, even if these are the last breaths I take. My soul now wishes to go home, to feel safe again and to snug along the people at home,  I wish to smile again, I wish to see someone smile at me with affection again. I wish to..

A Chapter

I am in a bar, drinking with one of my friends, we are close enough to enjoy one another’s company without uttering word, so we sit watching people around getting drunk and dancing like unleashed animals, as we sip from our glasses. My friend and i agree that it was more joyous a sight when people are themselves than to pretend to be anybody else. While we were enjoying along the loud music and large crowd, I spot a girl in between the cluster of people. She isn’t another girl in the bar, she isn’t one of the people in the crowd. She is the frivolous one, with tousled hair, heartfelt laughter, and dances as freely as a liberty horse. Now I wish I could approach her, but I dont think it’s going to leave any good impact. She is the charm in the room who most will drool over, she might have a boyfriend too, there’s no reason she wouldn’t. There’s no chance she’d lay eyes on me for more than a second, for something good.

Now its 11 pm, when my friend and I decide to head out for some ice cream and our houses after. While we were enjoying the ice cream and walking in the long lonely road, all of a sudden, I heard somebody’s voice calling us, “excuse me, wait, wait!” as we look back, it turns out to be the same girl I saw in the bar! My heart now starts to race, while she runs towards me and says “Hey! you are the person who was in the bar a while ago? Believe me or not, I saw you staring at me.” I am too astounded to utter and all I do is “uh”, when she replies, “oh, let me finish, maybe or maybe not, you and I are looking for the same thing. if it is, I’d be waiting for your call, maybe we can start with a coffee” she hands me over a piece of paper with her number written on it.

“Looks like somebody’s got  a date!” said my friend teasingly.

So, this story starts with the phone call I make to the number on the piece of paper. It has been two weeks now, we have met almost everyday going for dinners, coffee, or to make love in her house or mine. The time is passing too quickly and our college is going to end and in another three days we will split for a couple of months. We make promises to meet again, and my sentiments were too involved for her to not to be broken hearted.

During  the vacations my plans have changed. I am going abroad to continue my studies. I am never going back to my college again. The decision is prudent but has almost turned my world upside down. I thought, the fact that I am not coming back to the college would leave her world upside down too, but i guess she didn’t want what I wanted.

I wish for the last time I could run to you to hold you, look into the eyes and retain the picture forever in my mind. Maybe I am the one who misses you, not the one who’s being missed. You have moved on, maybe I should too. Maybe we will run into each other, to exchange a word, but we will never intend to go out to see each other.

acrylic acrylic paint art artistic
Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Pexels.com

The Treasure Box

Yesterday I met my childhood friends, our friendship is as old as our own age. We all have grown, our medium of enjoyment has changed. Going on a long drive is the idea to escape stress together, and coming back home to deal with it finally. Visiting the places to drink and smoke is where we found peace to talk. But this is not wrong neither can you defy this, it is just the habit most of the adults indulge into.

I won’t criticise our way of living, only that a few words hamper the usual thoughts, i get. Maybe I would like to share it and and maybe you would find it agreeable and find a better solution. Sharing your idea is the best idea itself.

I must comment how our grandparents stories have us learnt, that the way they lived, things they did and happiness they gained was much easier a source. Observing my friends and myself, we put several conditions before we expect to see us happy. I remember, my grandfather told, how he had faced financial crisis in the family, he was the eldest of the siblings, seeing the poor conditions at home he started earning at the early age as a contribution and a support in the family.  His mother believed that he worked hard more than his little sister so his needs for nutritious food was more. Every evening his mother would give him a glass of milk which in turn he would preserve the glass of milk for the little sister while she studied. Every evening he said, he pretended that he had it already.

So the point of this little but powerful story is how the brother gained happiness seeing his little sister happy filling her tummy. Now that we have everything, and know everything, we’d rate our happiness out of ten to see the accomplishments till we die.

Maybe, we people these days keep searching for something to add more life to our lives when we have everything is happiness. That we ignore that it isn’t very difficult to get.


The Cycle

I am in my room. In the house where I don’t see home of my own. my mind yet resides to the city where my college was and it aches everytime I realise I am physically present somewhere I don’t want to be. I wish for one last time I could spend the time the way I used to in my former city. Every song now that I listen to, seems like it talks about the recollections of my college, the place, the roads and the people. As a student the abhorrence for little suffering was all shallow, I now recognise. But also, talking about the past, and wishing to go back is absurd too.

So I have planned to think more sagaciously and profoundly, and I infer to imagine that I am on the rainbow, starting from my birth in the colour red, and as i go forth my colours change, and I like to imagine that I am in the colour green and i have to adjust myself to the situation and go ahead to embrace the next colour of my life.

Uncage the bird

“Why shall you settle with a job in hand, lots of money in your pocket, work in you mind when you are only Twenty! Why shall you stop when you have a long way ahead!” said my mind when my body moved differently. Hence, the decision was made, within a night to go abroad for further studies, to have my options open, and to explore the world which I deprive myself from. The procedure to go to canada is ongoing, and at the back of my mind I always think if this is the right decision that  have made.

I am being encountered with hurdles in every step I take, but I don’t think that it is to stop me, I believe it is a test I need to pass before I encounter with more challenges. Being a socially awkward person, it makes me abstain the job to interact with the new people. I feel the it has come all over again creeping from school to college to canada, but I will have to pass that slyly. I don’t have any other option for I will be the only one to know, and I need more company than just myself for survival!